Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
