is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
