We won't sleep together?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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