I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
