You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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