I'm so fucking centered right now
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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