is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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