nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
