We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
