I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
