I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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