Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
