Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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