i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
