Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
