someone get that fucking seahorse.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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