I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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