I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
