i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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