Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
