God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
