Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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