when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
