omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
dude. I can hear the air.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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