Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
