I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
