Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
then he tried to convert me to islam
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Mom said you looked used
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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