My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
