I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
