I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
