based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
