I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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