I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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