home. puking in laundry basket.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize