Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
