well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
