mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
