It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
where are my eyebrows?
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