dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
