You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
you never un-have a 4some
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
