So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
