1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
