I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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