I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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