He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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