i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
