I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
