do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
