no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
