Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
