Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
