I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
