It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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