my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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