Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
