I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
