HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
