A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
