I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
