I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
