you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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