My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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