On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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