I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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